Today I’m sitting in a hospital room in Fort Worth TX with my husband of 23 years. I’ve been here before. Not this hospital or this state, but the hospital experience isn’t new for us. As a kidney transplant patient, Mike has been in and out of a lot of hospitals. This time it is his transplanted kidney: the kidney that has been moving strong for almost 14 years is beginning to feel its age. This is my kidney pumping in him that is losing steam. This is hard. It’s always hard.
We moved to TX about 8 months ago for Mikes job. We were in Northern CA for over 20 years and established roots in that state. My family is in CA. Mikes family is in IN and IL, so no one is in TX. It’s lonely and scary. This time I have three teenagers who now understand what is happening. They are scared and worried. I have to be strong for them. I feel like mush at times and then I feel an inner strength that I know is God. Jesus is here in this hospital room with us. He is tenderly guarding Mikes health. He is giving me a peace that I don’t fully understand. I have reached out to the few people I have met in TX. I don’t really know any of them, but I am once again amazed at the generosity and kindness of people. Meals are being set up, offers to help have been generous. God is here – in TX – when I feel alone.
As the primary breadwinner for our family, Mikes health puts our finances at risk. I fear that. But God is stronger than my fear. He has it in his hands. I say this, and believe it, but I don’t always feel it. This has been part of my walk through insecurity. My feelings don’t tell me the truth all the time. I have chosen, intentionally, to believe God over my feelings. This is a step in brave Living. It is minor, but about all I can pull right now.
My verse for today given by a friend I don’t know very well, but is praying for me: 2 Kings 20:5 “I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will heal you.”
This is Brave Living: shedding the fear that I am alone. I am choosing to know and believe God is here. He is speaking to others to help and they are obeying. I am not alone. Nor are you.