Grit and grace: two powerful meanings to my life today. Grace for the mistakes I’ve made. Grit to endure and push even when I feel like giving up. Do it afraid. Write afraid. Push past insecurity and emerge stronger on the other side. Make the calls, edit the podcast, enjoy the simple thing: the crane that greeted me before the sun on the pond.
Today I want to do and be when I feel like staying and stopping. I’m scared. I’m afraid to fall on my face and make a fool of myself. I’m afraid I won’t know how. I’m afraid of the unknown ways on how to do it and do it well. I’m afraid my authentic self isn’t enough. I’m afraid I’m not smart enough, talented enough, wise enough, good enough. I feel mediocre at best. But these are my feelings. Feelings lie and deceive.
Truth is stable. Truth is the anchor. Truth is found in who God says I am. I am chosen, gifted, purposed, and planned. I am loved, forgiven and bold. I am a child of God. My worth is not dependent on my actions or lack thereof. My worth is valued exactly where I am at right now: in this chair hoping for more.
I am a runner because I run. I don’t run fast or far, but I run. That makes me a runner. I am a writer because I write. I don’t write and earn lots of money or prestige. But I write. I am a writer. Why must I stop myself for fear that someone may tell me I’m no good? So what? If someone told me I’m not a good runner, I’d still run. It makes me feel good. Writing makes me feel good. Yet, I somehow let others tell me to go or stop.
I know God has plans for me. I tell myself I’m nearly 50 and feel so pointless, like I am too old to recover and start afresh. I put invisible barriers on myself. God used Sarah and Abraham in their old age. Age is not a limit for God. It is a lie. To break free from the lie I must hold on: grit and grace. Endure anyways. Push past anyways.
I love my family. I love my husband and my children. I am not enough to make all their hurts go away. It isn’t my job. My love, no matter how messy, is what they need. We are each walking our own path. Our paths often merge, but even when they do, our uniqueness stands alert.
We are made different, unique, for a purpose. I need to trust in the One who sees the whole picture and not rely on the pixels that compose the frame to guide my steps. It is a leap of faith and it takes grit and grace. Today, may I have grit and grace to push past my feelings that do not align with the truth. This is my prayer.