Desires abound in the heart of the hopeful. Dreams are easy to dream and difficult to achieve. Hope is the possibility. It is a must. As Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but when dreams come true at last, there is life and joy.”
The longing to connect on a deeper more spiritual plane, is a truth and a struggle. I want the hope that friendship brings, and yet, I find it scary to break into that reality. Friends built so long ago over common experiences are easier. Friends found at 47 when lives are established are hard to break into.
My insecurity has always hid me from others. I don’t let people get to know me well. I want deep friendships in comfortable settings. Yet I don’t know how to achieve it with ease. Perhaps there isn’t an ease to the process? You would think by my age I would have figured it out. But alas, no.
Yearning and longing do not get it done. Only stepping out past fear and insecurity, making the call, feeling the awkward, do I engage in hope. Friendships will not happen when time is not devoted. Speak, even when afraid or unsure… this will give another the chance to speak also.
My trust issues are real and stem from things in childhood. Yet I can’t let childhood define my present. I grew up in an alcoholic home; a semi-alcoholic home. My dad drank outside the home and returned belligerent and scary. For years, I was convinced this wasn’t a true alcoholic situation. Yet, the shame and ‘walking on eggshells’ kind of life I had, confirmed it was, indeed, an alcoholic home. It is true there is chaos inside an alcoholic’s home. One day a comment is accepted, and allowed; the next it’s forbidden. As a child you don’t know the difference. You don’t know what you did to make the change. Likely you did nothing that caused the outburst. Yet, the abuser needs to let others hold his pain so he doesn’t bear the load alone. It isn’t right, nor is it fair. It simply is.
As a child I ran to the safe dwelling of silence. My opinion only tossed the boat. This method worked great for me as a child. As an adult … not so much. Undoing the past isn’t easy. First you need to recognize the problem. This seems obvious and easy to do, but it really isn’t. When you’ve hidden something years ago, it is not easy to find. It is forgotten like a muscle not used. It has atrophied. It takes tender time and care to bring it to the surface and establish boundaries necessary to let it grow and flourish. This process includes trial and error … and pain.
I realized it many years ago. I tried and failed many times. Often the failure would keep me quiet the next time around. Trust is difficult. It took me years to find that friend: it may take years again. In the end, friendship is worth it. Trial and error is worth it. Pain is worth it. Discovering your authentic self is worth the effort. Hope isn’t a far-fetched fallacy. It is a desire worth the effort to pursue, achieve, and hold onto.